I need to tell you a secret. Don’t worry, I’m not pregnant/harboring any (serious) psychiatric problems/a combination of both. But really, is there any other way to be pregnant? Exactly.
No. It’s even worse…I’m an absolute snob who belongs to Equinox, specifically an Upper(ish) East Side location. Ok, the snob part is no secret. I buy organic fair trade recycled locally harvested artisanal twilled toilet paper and H&M scares me more than Roman Polanski scares pre-teens. So, duh on the snob thing. But the Equinox part is at least somewhat surprising, right? And that it’s my favorite place on earth? That’s a curveball, right? Maybe? No? Ok then.
Secret #2.5: The Juice Generation at my Equinox (it’s mine now) introduced me to my new favorite nutrition bar of all time: Raw Crunch Bars.*
Oh and you read right, it’s a raw protein bar at that. Because let’s be real, Juice Generation does not fuck around with finding reasons to sell things at a 200% up-charge This place knows what’s up. $7/oz of raw zucchini linguine sort of what’s up.
Sadly, Juice Generation is the only store I’ve been able to find these bars – at a whopping $3+ each. The only other option is a single seller on Amazon who doesn’t participate in Amazon Prime (WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU!?) and I’m not some fat cat with a doorman, ya know? Just a $160/month gym membership…and no shame.
So the obvious choice was to make my own. I even upped the ante by replacing the honey with maple syrup and agave to make it a legit raw vegan bar. BECAUSE EMPATHY. But mostly because honey’s real, real sticky. Ewie. Basically, by Equinox/Juice Generation math, I could sell these bars for $1100 each. Give or take a few dollars. Maybe. Fuck it. $1200 a bar. And I’ll let you breathe my air.
Anyways, I love making no-bake bars because it’s easy, fast, and my smoke detector won’t go off. Probably. That fucker is out of its mind.
These bars are protein powder free, getting 8g of protein per bar the ol’ fashioned way: nuts, seeds, and tears. Lots of tears. Only 10g of carbs, 6g if you’re into netting said carbs with (carb minus fiber) witchcraft mathematics. And how about those healthy fats! They go swimmingly with 15% of your daily iron needs! Rejoice, my fellow ladies! Rejoice!
Compared to the original Raw Crunch bars, these bars give you an additional 3g of protein, 1g more fiber, 4% more of your calcium DV and 5% more of your iron DV, and 1 gram less of sugar. All this at only 35 more calories/bar and no additional grams of carbs.
I just watched the end of the 1985 classic film Weird Science and let me tell you, these last two paragraphs have been direct quotes.
On to the bars!
*go to Raw Crunch’s website and enter promo code “MOLLYROCKS” for 15% off your order. Thanks Raw Crunch!!!
- 1 ounce almonds, coarsely chopped
- ¾ ounce cashews, coarsely chopped
- ¾ ounce walnuts, coarsely chopped
- 45g hemp seeds
- 30g sunflower seeds
- 30g pumpkin seeds
- 25g sesame seeds, divided
- 25g whole flaxseeds, divided
- 13g ground flaxseed
- ½ ounce cacao raw chocolate nibs (if you’re not too hung up on the raw part, feel free to just use dark chocolate chips)
- ½ teaspoon coarse salt
- 1 tablespoon maple syrup
- 1 tablespoon + 1 teaspoon agave, divided
This will only take a second…
In a medium sized mixing bowl, combine the almonds, cashews, walnuts, hemp, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, and the ground flaxseed. Add 20g of the sesame seeds as well as 20g of the whole flaxseeds. Toss in the cacao nibs and salt. Mix everything together. Pour in the maple syrup and 1 tablespoon of the agave. Mix! Use a chopstick. Works like a dream. A sticky dream.
Get out a square baking pan. Line it with wax paper. Press down the sticky nutty/seedy/sticky stuff. Sprinkle the remaining sesame seeds and flaxseeds on top. Drizzle the final teaspoon of agave on top. Cover with saran wrap and place in your freezer for a few hours or until everything has properly hardened. Remove and cut into 8 equal pieces. Munch on.