Sweet & Spicy Nutty Crack Bites

Sweet & Spicy Nutty Crack Bites

Lots of products claim to be some version of crack. Crack ice cream. Crack pie. Crack matzo. Crack. There are so many things I love about this. Mostly I think it’s fabulous that we consumers – without question – will flock towards crack that is (typically) not crack. It’s like candy cigarettes when you’re 10. Or crack when you’re a crackhead.

“Oh it’s like crack? It’s gotta be good.” – everyone.

I mean, there are no Double Chocolate Crystal Meth Brownies sweeping the nation. You’ll never see Red Velvet Heroine Cupcakes. No Sweet Oxycodone Brisket. It’s crack. It’s always crack. We all totally trust crack. As long as it’s (typically) not crack.

Sweet & Spicy Nutty Crack Bites

So let me push (I had to?) my very own crack creation on you. Sweet & Spicy Nutty Crack Bites. As addictive as its namesake without the whole smoking-it-under-a-bridge-with-a-prostitute part (I think that’s a neighborhood in New York?), you’ll find yourself waking up in the middle of the night and crack-walking your way to your crack-den to get your crack-hands on some.

The champion in this snack is definitely the smoky kick at the end, a simply perfect partner to the maple syrup and coarse salt. Anything that’s sweet, spicy, and salty has my seal of approval/total disregard of moral values. When tested on one of my roommates, his response was “oh man,” and then be tried to sell me his shoe for another piece.

That last part was a lie. He offered me all his shoes. It was weird. I have, like, 6 pairs of men’s shoes now.

Sweet & Spicy Nutty Crack Bites


makes 6 bites


  • 1 ounce almonds
  • 1 ounce roasted unsalted peanuts
  • 1 slightly overflowing tablespoon + another 1 /12 teaspoons maple syrup, divided
  • 1/4 teaspoon chili powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon cayenne
  • A little but of truvia
  • Some coarse salt

Fact: more of your friends have smoked crack at least once than you would ever guess…

Preheat your oven to 350.

Combine your almonds and peanuts in a food processor. Pulse 3 or 4 times. Transfer to a medium bowl. Add one heaping/spewing/blubbering tablespoon of maple syrup and the chili powder and cayenne. Mix it all about. Get out your trusty silicone cupcake baking thingers. (It’s totally cool if you don’t have these; you can just use a very tiny portion of a parchment paper lined baking sheet and break up the pieces post baking or eat one mega crack bite.) Press a tablespoon worth of the sticky nutty crack mixture into the bottom of each silicone cupcake cup. Drizzle another 1/4 teaspoon of maple syrup in each cup. Bake for ten minutes.

After baking, sprinkle the tops with a little bit of Truvia and coarse salt. Let it cool a bit. Then stick that shit in the fridge to get it to really harden up. It’ll make the releasing process significantly easier if they’re cold.

Freebase that shit.

I mean eat it.

I mean freebase it.

Sweet & Spicy Nutty Crack Bites


Sweet & Spicy Nutty Crack Bites



  1. My family members are having trouble believing me that I’m cracking up while reading a recipe over here. They think I’m up to something suspicious, but in fact this post is just the best thing I’ve read all day (and I work at a bookshop so well done), and certainly the most amusing recipe I’ve looked at in weeks. Three. Goddamn. Cheers.

    Also, those look tasty as heck.

  2. Love to try them! They are very intriguing-))

  3. Deborahthecook · · Reply

    I am going to make these. And I am going to read this post again and again. Hilarious! Thanks for taking the *stuffy* out of food blogging.

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