Meatless Monday Meatballs

meatless meatballs

“Hey guys, look who brought meatballs sans any meat but instead they are bulgar and quinoa and some other things that are also not at all meat so really the name is extremely misleading?”

“You did.”

“I did!”

And that, my friends, is how you make an entrance. It’s also how you make yourself known as The One Who Feeds UBalls. T.O.W.F.U.B. is a beautiful name and I’m honored to hold it. I think it’s of Russian descent.
Maybe Turkish. Probably Turkish.


Anyways, if you didn’t know me very well, you’d probably think all I do is eat food in the shape of small balls. If you do know me well, you know this as a fact. I don’t know if it’s because my brain is a well tuned ball joke making machine or if it’s because I bought 600 toothpicks 6 months ago and I still have 550 toothpicks. A toothpick saved is not a toothpick earned but rather one of 550 fucking toothpicks in my possession.

But I got rid of 18 of them! And not in vain! Because these meatless meatballs are off the motherfucking tiny toothpick woven chain. (Cute!) They taste super hearty and like good old comfort food without weighing you down. (Cuter!) And they are just gosh darn adorable. (See?) They have my eyes, I think. And their father’s passion.

I’m just kidding.

They have their father’s ears.

meatless meatballs

makes 18


  • ¼ cup dry red quinoa
  • ½ cup dry bulgar wheat
  • 50g or so of minced red onion
  • 1 scallion stalk, sliced thin
  • ¾ teaspoon garlic powder
  • ½ teaspoon dried oregano
  • ½ teaspoon onion powder
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ¼ teaspoon paprika
  • ¼ teaspoon chili powder
  • 2 tablespoons of your favorite hummus
  • 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed
  • 1 tablespoon nutritional yeast
  • 1 tablespoon whole grain dijon mustard
  • ½ tablespoon red miso paste
  • 1 teaspoon hickory liquid smoke
  • 1 teaspoon gravy master browning and seasoning sauce + a little extra for coating
  • ¼ cup panko bread crumbs
  • 2 tablespoons toasted sesame seeds
  • pasta sauce

meatless monday in the meatlessinest of ways…

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Rinse your quinoa and cook per instructions on the box. In a wok, cook your bulgar per instructions on the box. Add the cooked quinoa to the wok of cooked bulgar and mix. Mix in…well, everything else. Adjust the seasoning to your own taste buds.

Scoop your mixture into balls using a tablespoon as your mold. Each ball should be 25g-30g.

Arrange your meatballs on your lined baking sheet. Brush the outside with a little more gravy master browning sauce. You don’t need to much, it goes a long way!

Bake for 20 minutes or until the outside is browned and crispy-ish looking.

Top with pasta sauce. Rejoice!



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