“Hey guys, I made you all some balls. Put them all in your mouth. Get a mouthful of my balls. They’re salty. My balls. My balls are salty. And they are all in your mouth. You are balls deep in my balls. It’s funny because it’s like we’re talking about testicles. I hope you enjoy 4 hours of ball jokes. Because I do.”
And so was the tone of the drive to Easton, Maryland from of a very congested Midtown NYC with four friends and a Tupperware full of no-bake bars and balls and testicles. I’m just kidding about that last part. The testicles were in a brown paper bag. Man, it’s like you’ve never transported gonads or something.
—Time out and an opportune time to jump to the recipe. This is easily the most offensive post I’ve ever written. It might be because it’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m drunk American. (But also drunk.) I should probably edit this part out.—
(I didn’t edit that part out.)
So I made these no-bake bars and balls (teehee…penis) for a couple reasons. First, I was in a shit mood and molesting the bulk aisle at Whole Foods is a lot less detrimental than drinking bottom shelf whiskey alone at a bar
unless you want to have a good fucking time, AMIRIGHT? or so I’ve been told or whatever. Also, when you’re in a shit mood, you probably shouldn’t be allowed to use an oven. I shouldn’t have to explain that but I will anyways: I will burn this motherfucker down. No question. Burn. Shit. Down.
Secondly, I made these bars and balls (no but for real, penis) for that aforementioned long trip to a Memorial Day weekend shindig. And I actually shared them with people. Other people. People who are not me.
It’s weird, but I almost never share any of the food I make. And not because I’m an asshole – that has nothing to do with it. Really I’m just extremely self-conscious. I can pretend to be confident all I like, cursing left and right, wearing two different prints in the same outfit (BOLD MOVE, MOLLY.) and molesting bulk aisles, but in reality, I’m always very nervous to share my creations. What if people don’t like it/me? What if people don’t want to eat it/me? (teehee.) I’m terrified of this. Mostly the latter but we won’t get into that because I’m talking about food, plus women’s lib or something.
But things went swimmingly. People devoured my balls (and bars). And you want to know why?
I put crumbled up chocolate covered pretzels in them people like things that taste good. And these taste fucking phenomenal. Salty, sweet, a little crunch thrown in there too…hello, beautiful. Plus they’re easy! Hooray for no-bake things! Let’s get no-baking!
- 5 ounces almonds (sprouted! Sprouted!)
- 18-20 (120g) pitted dates
- 3 tablespoons ground flaxseed
- 1 tablespoon whole chia seeds
- salt to taste
tried and true add-ons
- 20g unsweetened dry coconut shreds
- 8 (31g) dark chocolate covered pretzels, broken coarsely (vegan option: split that shit up and add some extra super dark chocolate and some crumbled pretzels…not sure store-bought dark chocolate covered pretzels exist in vegan form)
- 1 tablespoon chunky peanut butter
- coarse salt
this is so easy a caveman could do it if a cavemen was looking for a quick snack on the go or maybe looking for great not-at-all-overkilled sexual innuendo material for a car ride to the Eastern Shore…
Get out a food processor or chopper or whatever it is you kids use these days. Process your almonds until you get a coarse – not powder! – consistency.
Add your dates to the almonds and process until you have a paste-like consistency. (If your dates are a little tough or dry, toss them into a microwave safe bowl with a tablespoon or so of water and microwave them for like 20 seconds.)
Scrape down the sides and add the remaining ingredients. Process til fully incorporated. Add any of that fun stuff you want.
For bars: line a baking dish with wax or parchment paper. Press your mixture evenly into the pan. Bar size is clearly up to your discretion but mine were like ¼ – ½ of an inch thick and I came out with 10 good sized bars. Put in the freezer. Cut up and snack when it’s hardened a bit.
For balls: roll the dough into 10g-ish balls and set them in a wax or parchment paper lined baking sheet/something that will fit in a freezer. You’ll get a whole bunch of balls. Let’s say 20 for the sake of nutrition facts but that might be – dare I say it? – lowballing it a little. Oh man. Solid. Okay, put the balls in the freezer and eat once hardened a bit.
***These nutrition facts are based off of the basic recipe. Any add-ons should be, you know, added on.
NOW LET’S GO PUT ON SOME WHITE PANTS.