I think it’s a fact that fruit tarts are neck and neck on the Impress-O-Meter with miniature things. That’s some pretty impressive company to be in. I mean, people love miniature things. Something about nimble fingers in general elicits oohs and aahs and sexual innuendos. People go nuts over pieces of fruit spiraling around a pie pan in a delightfully cheery fashion. Nuts.
“Oh, Generic Woman Bearing Fruit Tart, I had no idea you were such an artist! I thought lacking a personality was your go-to party trick!” Say the everyone you know, before inviting you to the everythings ever.
“How’d you know my name?” You personalitylessly mumble.
“Shh. Fruit tart.”
Trust me, I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of pie and tart based friendships and I have to say, the fruit tart ones are in it for the long term.
It’s just that tarts make people weak in the knees. And the best part is, it’s maybe one of the easiest things to make, just like bad decisions and horrible first impressions. Which is super because I’m very lazy.
So here’s the secret…
Like, I’ve seen some pretty things in my 26 years (one time I saw a snow covered mountain range in Colorado that made me cry and not only because I was an emotionally unstable basket case at the time but also entirely because of that), but I can’t make those things. It’s a little pathetic but I’m just not a visual person. I’ve come to terms with this.
But I’m a motherfucking fruit tart artiste. (The extra “e” is for “elitist.”) And you can be one too. Even a raw-vegan-gluten-free fruit tart artist if you really want to take the Impress-O-Meter to upper echelons of “oh. Cool. Who let you in again?”
Lets get to fruit (t)art* making. I have some people I need to make like me.
*SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
cashew cream adapted from Quirky Cooking’s recipe
- 1 ⅓ cups cashews, soaked in water, overnight
- 1/4 – 1/2 cups of almond milk, depending on your consistency preferences
- 2 tablespoons maple syrup or agave or 1 tablespoon of each (I don’t love things that are too sweet but you might, feel free to use a little more sweetener of your choice, maybe even a date)
- 1 vanilla bean, scraped and stuff
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- ¼ teaspoon salt
- 1 tablespoons chia seeds (optional)
- 28g hazelnut meal
- 50g ground flaxseed
- 10g hemp seed (optional)
- 1 tablespoon agave
- 3 medjool dates, soaked in a bit of hot water
- 10g sliced almonds
So I just bought a big container of mixed fruit from Whole Foods. Here are my scientific findings:
- 95g blueberries
- 85g sliced pineapple
- 50g raspberries
- 50g strawberries
- not nearly enough blackberries
Please, be my friend and eat my tart and be my friend:
In a food processor, puree your cashews. Add in the almond milk, a tablespoon at a time, until you’re happy with the consistency. Add in everything except the chia seeds, if you’re using them. Puree like crazy, adjusting ingredient amounts for personal taste. Put it in a bowl, stir the chia seeds in, cover with plastic wrap, refrigerate for a couple hours.
To make the crust, combine everything except for the almond slices in a food processor. Pulse pulse pulse until it’s paste-like. Lightly grease a 9″ pie pan with your cooking spray or whatever of preference. Press the crust paste evenly into the pan. Press the sliced almonds into the crust.
Top the crust with the cashew cream you made earlier. Arrange the fruit on top like the exquisite creative genius you are. Refrigerate. Eat later.