“Honey, the only thing I love more than this rich, dairy-free, creamy, comforting and delicious Vegan Fettuccine Alfredo is you, baby. Yeah I bookend sentences with adorable names for you. Get used to it,” said the completely fabricated love of my life from across the table, face illuminated by bee-friendly candles (they make a fair wage) and devotion. A Valentine’s Day that will never happen to remember!
Well that was quite a trip down Woe is Me lane. It’s around the corner from You’ve Got to be Fucking Kidding Me road. On to the Vegan Fettuccine Alfredo!
You know when you stumble upon something awesome that isn’t your dog? (He should really look where he’s going.) Well this one of those times. Relish it. But don’t put relish in it. Unless you want to LIVE.
Cheesy and creamy without any milk or cream or cheese or butter. Rich and gluttonous without the whole gluttonous thing, just protein and good feelings. And pasta without the actual pasta. Fuck, I don’t need a Valentine’s Day date. I’m already seeing the creation of my dreams.
I need to work on my social skills.
VEGAN FETTUCCINE ALFREDO
makes 9-10 ounces of sauce
- 70g onion, diced
- 1 or 2 cloves of garlic, minced
- a dab of oil
- ½ cup soy milk
- ½ cup soy creamer (you can always use just soy milk or just so creamer but I liked the combination)
- 1 tablespoon garbanzo bean flour (white flour will do just fine)
- 2 tablespoons margarine
- ¾ to 1 cup nutritional yeast
- Salt/pepper to taste
- Dash of nutmeg
- Miracle Noodles/Shirataki Noodles
I’m going to take myself to see the A Good Day to Die Hard on Valentine’s Day because I’m not at all awful:
Get out your wacky ass Miracle or Shirataki Noodles, drain them, and microwave them in a dish for 1 minute. This will kill that horrendous smell that might haunt your dreams otherwise. Set aside.
In a medium saucepan, heat up your dab of oil. You can also use cooking spray but the one I have smells weird. Toss in your onions and cook til translucent. Add the garlic and cook another minute or two. Pour in the soy milk and creamer and bring it to a soft boil. Add the flour and stir until it thickens. Keep stirring the whole time to prevent the sauce from burning on the sides of the pot. When it’s good and thick, bring it back down to a simmer and add the margarine. Now it’s time to add the nutritional yeast. I suggest doing it ¼ of a cup at a time so you can keep tabs on just how cheesy you want it. Stir stir stir. Go on and dash your nutmeg in. Season with salt and pepper.
Top your noodles with 2 ounces or so of sauce (it coats a long way!) depending on how much noodleage you have going on. Toss. Tickle with some red pepper flakes.