Mediterranean Portobello Pizzas

portobello pizzas

I don’t like pizza.

When my friends ask me why, after they’ve gotten over the initial shock of it all (I live in New York where apparently this is not okay?), I explain it this way: one time I broke it down and realized pizza is nothing more than white bread doused in pasta sauce and topped with cheese. “Yeah,” they typically say, “so why don’t you like pizza?” And I shake my head. And then friendship is terminated. Typically.

I’m a Pizza Denier. Sorry.

So it makes sense that if I’m going to make/eat/inhale any kind of pizza, it’s going to be completely unrecognizable as such. And this is probably my favorite thing I’ve ever made. Yummy. So yummy.

skip to that pizza that isn’t entirely pizza because, you know, it actually tastes good…

You know those people who order pizzas with "extra cheese"? Do they even like food?[end comment on society.]

You know those people who order pizzas with “extra cheese”? Do they even like food?
[end comment on society.]

Some people might say “its not at all pizza, you monster,” but I say, hey man I’m just trying to do right by you guys who look at me like I’m crazy for the pizza hate so please throw me a fucking bone and lay off already, okay? Fuck.

I made a vegan version and a non-vegan version (see: I’ve had some feta in my fridge for the last three months and that needs to change) and both taste delightful.

One day I'll use up the carton of feta in my fridge. And by then, it will most likely kill me.I have no one to blame but myself. But mostly I blame an entirely too large carton of feta.

One day I’ll use up the carton of feta in my fridge. And by then, it will most likely kill me.
I have no one to blame but myself. But mostly I blame an entirely too large carton of feta.

And hey, sundried tomato hummus has the word “tomato” in it and pizzas involve tomatoes so why won’t you please stop looking at me like that and eat your Mediterranean Portobello Pizza!

Also? Stop persecuting me already. I’m glad we had this talk. Friendship terminated.

my favorite kind of double vision involves Mediterranean  Portobello Pizzas and poor decision making.Someone take away my oven keys. I can't drive this fucker.

my favorite kind of double vision involves Mediterranean Portobello Pizzas and poor decision making.
Someone take away my oven keys. I can’t drive this fucker.

makes as many pizzas as you have portobello caps and I have all the portobello caps!


  • Portobello caps
  • A teeny tiny bit of olive oil
  • a bit of salt, pepper, and onion powder
  • sundried tomato hummus
  • Roasted Fennel Tapenade
  • Yellow onions, sliced
  • Grape tomatoes, halved
  • Sweet roasted yellow peppers, sliced
  • Some parsley
  • Optional: feta, vegan feta, homemade feta, pheta

I’m going to throw the most pretentious pizza party ever:

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Prepare your Portobello caps: wipe the dirt off with a damp paper towel. De-stem the caps. Using a spoon, gently remove the black gills from underneath the cap. Slice a shallow “X” in the center of the top of the cap. Rub them down, on both sides, with the dabs of olive oil. Season both sides. Place, gill sides down on the baking sheet. Roast for 15-20 minutes.

Quickly sauté your onions in a hot pan sprayed with cooking spray. Salt and pepper a bit.

Once the caps have cooled a bit, flip them over. Spread ½ ounce of hummus on the cap. If you’re using cheese, top them with about ¼ ounce of crumbled feta. Now spread a layer of Fennel Roasted Tapenade, 15g or so for the cheesed cap/25g or so for the un-cheesed. Top with onions, tomatoes, roasted yellow peppers, and a bit of parsley. Eat!


pizza nutrition facts



  1. Funky foodie · · Reply

    These sound like my kinda pizza! Not a white-bread person, so I tend to make my own whole-wheat crust, pile high the veggies, and nom! Portobellos sound like the much easier version.. Try making them with cashew-nut cheese one day (Soak cashews for 6 hours, then blend with garlic/salt/pepper/lemon juice/olive oil if you fancy it/herbs untill it blows your taste buds off, add to everything. Eat it all. Repeat)

    Also, curious – how does adding feta not effect the calorie content?

    1. The feta thing: I used less of the tapenade for that pizza because I decided the feta kinda helped fill in the gaps. It’s totally accidental and weird that they managed to have the same calorie count. Probs witchcraft.

  2. Molly, I come here for the snark, then the recipes. Just want you to know.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s



Brooklyn Porridge Co.

comfort food redefined

Keepin' It Kind

Kind Food. Kind World.

Rantings of an Amateur Chef - What works, and what doesn't!


Homemade Memories


Where the belly rules the mind!

Baker Bettie

baking science, techniques, and recipes

Food Fitness Fresh Air

Devoted to taste, health and happiness

Chickpeas and Change

Feeding a revolution -- Formerly "farmers Market Vegan"

Cupcake Artist

One bite is never good enough

Vegan Shop-Up

an all vegan pop-up market

my little happies

here is where i explore all the little adventures and happenings in my life that make me happy.

Whisk Flip Stir

healthy vegan and vegetarian recipes

The Bootleg Cook

Recipes, restaurants and randoms from waaaaay out East

Sun In Bloom

Gluten-Free, Vegan & Raw Food Kitchen in Brooklyn & Tribeca

the tasty tRuth

My bona fide pursuit of a delicious life

%d bloggers like this: