Hot and Spicy Seitan Tenders


hot and spicy seitan tenders

I’ve always loved condiments. In middle school, I’d eat condiments for lunch. And like, that’s it. Straight condiments. Except if you count my fingers. Because I was eating condiments off my fingers. (I HAD ALL THE FRIENDS.)

To avoid being a social pariah or some sort of leper or some sort of social pariah leper, I convinced myself that I’d have to replace my fingers with, you know, food. And what better than Burger King Chicken Tenders? Everything? Fuck. Don’t tell adolescent me.

Well, it turns out Hot and Spicy Seitan Tenders are especially better but, you know, I didn’t know that then. Moving on.

no really though, I want to move on. To the recipe. Please…

This is exactly how I used to plate my BK chicken tenders.
But like, with a dash more of self-loathing thrown in there. Peppered with disappointment and grief.

So I don’t know if it’s just because I have a soul, but I’m one of the few people who used to like Burger King Chicken Tenders more than McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets. I know that’s similar to saying I like drowning more than I like bleeding out but that’s crazy. Everyone would rather burn to death.

Anyways, there was a time when I ate Burger King. Actually, there was a time I used to eat a lot of Burger King. While my formative years brought Whoppers to my life (and directly towards my face, mouth especially, in a violent and chomping display of insanity), my childhood was rich with Burger King’s chicken tenders. I liked the spiciness, the portableness, the dipping options.

I was going to make the sauce prettier.But then I was all like, stop being so materialistic. It's what's on the inside of my sauce that matters.I'm also lazy.

I was going to make the sauce prettier.
But then I was all like, stop being so materialistic. It’s what’s on the inside of my sauce that matters.
I’m also lazy.

Finally, after years of completely forgetting about BK Chicken Tenders (never forget!), I made something entirely comparable and a thousand times better. I introduce to you, Hot and Spicy Seitan Tenders. Spicy and peppery and nutty and spicy and portable (I’ve walked them from my kitchen to my couch numerous times already). NOW BRING ON THE SPICY SRIRACHA VEGANAISE, MY MEATLESS BRETHREN.

You'll be hard to find a more soothing sight than that of the hot and spicy seitan tender gathered round the ol' sriracha veganaise waterin' hole.

You’ll be hard to find a more soothing sight than that of the hot and spicy seitan tender gathered round the ol’ sriracha veganaise waterin’ hole.

HOT and SPICY SEITAN TENDERS
serves 4 as a snack, 2 as a protein for a meal
recipe adapted from Fat Free Vegan

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup vital wheat gluten
  • 2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
  • 1 tablespoon onion powder
  • 1 tablespoon garlic powder
  • 2 teaspoons paprika
  • 1 teaspoon cayenne
  • ½ cup vegetable stock
  • 3 tablespoons crunchy peanut butter
  • 1 teaspoon chili garlic sauce

One time I saw the King just hanging out. True story. I wish it was a better one:

Preheat your oven to 350. Spray some cooking spray in a square baking pan.

Combine all the dry ingredients in a large bowl. Whisk together your wet ingredients. Accidentally spoon out too much peanut butter so you are forced to lick the spoon because no one should ever waste crunchy peanut butter.

Mix the wet ingredients into the bowl of dry ingredients and knead together until you have a well incorporated dough. Let it rest for a bit.

Press the dough into your prepared baking pan. Make four slits in the pressed dough, dividing it into 4 equal parts, to give yourself a guide for when you cut it after it’s completely cooked.

Bake for 25 minutes. Carefully flip the seitan over and cook for another 10 minutes. Let it cool. Cut that sucker. Gut it like a fish. But also really just cut it up into slices and eat it. Throw it in a salad, a stir fry, a wrap, some pasta (jk, we don’t eat pasta, right?) or, my favorite, directly in your mouth with some spicy veganaise.

NUTRITION
get a load of that vegan protein, AMIRIGHT?

nfp

8 comments

  1. Thanks for actually posting how to make the seitan – I’ve seen it in recipes, but haven’t been able to find it at the grocery store. Now for the real question, since I’ve never tried it but am feeling adventurous… what does it actually taste like? What can I say, us meat-lovers are nervous about trying meat substitutes😛

    1. I meeeeean, I think it tastes pretty meat-y? It’s always been my favorite meat substitute. Give it a try!

  2. YUM!

  3. I eat condiments without stuff to dip in them sometimes too. Except I generally avoid my fingers-more apt to take down a bowl of salsa with a spoon:)

  4. Can I use active dry yeast instead of nutritional?

    Also, what brand of Vital Wheat Gluten do you recommend? It’s not cheap so I wanted to check.

    thanks for the recipe!

    1. Absolutely no do not replace nutritional yeast with yeast. Nutritional yeast is for flavoring and not, ya know, yeast-y things. They’re pretty different.

      As far as brands of wheat gluten, I imagine they all pretty much taste the same. That’s not really where the flavor is coming from for the most part. I buy arrowhead mills I think, but only because it comes in a box rather than a bag and that’s enough to sway me.

      1. Thanks! First time I’m going to use these ingredients so appreciate the help. Wheat Gluten is expensive! (better not screw up)

      2. I know! I’m weird…I buy clothing and food with reckless abandon. And nothing else. Because by then I’m clearly out of money…

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