Jerk Seitan and/or Tofu over Caribbean Rice and Beans

per 1/6th serving of seitan: 164 calories // 9g carbs // 6g fat // 18g protein // 1g fiber // 5g sugar
per bowl: 296 calories // 32g carbs // 9g fat // 24g protein // 8g fiber // 10g sugar

Guys are jerks, amiright?

I am right.

per 1/6th serving: 132 calories // 7g carbs // 7g fat // 13g protein // 1g fiber // 3g sugar
per plate: 264 calories // 30g carbs // 10g fat // 19g protein // 8g fiber // 8g sugar

Seitan and tofu are wonderful vehicles for jerk seasoning, amiright?

Well let’s find out. Join me as I compare these jerks to see how they size up.

Guys who are jerks leave a bad taste in your mouth (don’t be gross, I’m talking metaphorically…I think). Jerk Tofu seasoning leaves a sweet and spicy symphony (that’s right, symphony) of flavors in its wake.

you seem like the strong silent type.
shhh. don’t ruin it.

Jerks (they’re all guys by definition, right?) make you consider moving to a remote island where there are no jerks. Jerk Seitan makes you consider moving to Jamaica, learning what windsurfing is, learning to windsurf, giving reggae a try even though it’s simply not going to happen, and living a life of leisure peppered with the occasional “hey mon” if, you know, you ever feel like saying hey to a mon again.

Hey. I just ate you and this is crazy.
No really. Talking to the food you just ate is completely and wildly crazy. Stop that.

Jerks may try and get you into bed with false affection and insincere charm. Jerk Seitan and Jerk Tofu lay on a bed of cauliflower rice, kidney beans, and pineapple just waiting for you to take advantage of them.

this has nothing to do with anything but I just heard two cats having a serious fight outside my apartment and someone needs to know about this.

Jerk Seitan > Jerk Tofu > Jerks. Proven. Fact. 100% duh.

Taking photos of food at night leads to a) kinda creepy photos b) a lot of flash c) me hoping that someone thought that the flashes coming from my apartment window were 1) some sort of code 2) a rave 3) all of the above.

That being said, I think the jerk seitan is way better than the tofu but I also think I should have marinated the tofu longer and cut it into bite size pieces before pan frying it soooo that’s what I’m going to tell you folks to do. Also, the pineapple in the rice is key. That golden beacon of sweet and tart is awesome with the spicy jerk seasoning.

PS: I made a complete dish! This is so neat! High fives all around but especially for my hands!

you’re not like all the other jerks.
you’re still a jerk though.

serves 6
Adapted from a few places but mostly from The New York Times and

The jerkiest ingredients:

  • 2 tablespoons low sodium soy sauce
  • 2 tablespoons some sort of oil that you like
  • 2 tablespoons of water
  • 1 tablespoons distilled white vinegar
  • squeezes from two limes
  • 3 teaspoons brown sugar
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 50g sweet onion
  • 2 green onions, sliced a little past where it turns green
  • 1 teaspoon ground allspice
  • 1 teaspoon black pepper
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
  • 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
  • 1/4 teaspoon cayenne
  • 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons dried thyme leaves
  • 1 habanero pepper, carefully deseeded and chopped
  • 2 boxes of seitan strips or 2 boxes of lite firm tofu

I’m glad I didn’t go the other route with “jerk” jokes and so are you when you give these instructions a whack…

Combine all the ingredients except for the seitan or tofu in a food processor and process that sucker. Yummy. If you’re using seitan, drain it from its goo and rip it up a bit. Toss it with the marinade and put it in some tupperware and into your fridge for an hour or two. If you’re in it for the long haul, grab your tofu, drain it, and pat it dry for forever. Slice each block into some squares, no more than 1/2″ in depth (my pictures show slabs/steaks which is cool too but I think the cubes will work better). Toss with the marinade and place in a tupperware, inside your fridge overnight. I’m impressed with your commitment.

Take whatever protein you decided on and throw it in a wok or skillet over medium high heat. Saute the seitan with all of the excess marinade until it is browned on its edges and all the sauce has been absorbed. Cook the tofu by first placing the pieces on the skillet and letting them cook for a few minutes, untouched. Flip and let them cook again. Leave them alone for a bit. Now add the left over marinade and stir fry the tofu until it’s browned to your liking and the sauce has been absorbed. Get onto to making that “rice.”

per 1 cup serving: 132 calories // 23g carbs // 3g fat // 6g protein // 7g fiber // 5g sugar

makes 5 one cup servings (one of your six pals from before is going to be sad)
Adapted mostly from Generation Y Foodie


  • one head of cauliflower, broken into florets (I weighed mine in at 450g)
  • 75g sweet onion, diced
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1 teaspoon grated ginger
  • 3/4 cup lite coconut milk
  • 3/4 cup vegetable stock
  • 1 lime, squeezed
  • 1 habanero pepper, intact
  • 1 15oz can of kidney beans, drained and rinsed
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1/2 cup pineapple, diced
  • green onions for garnishing

Go on with it:

Process your cauliflower florets until they are the consistency of rice. Set aside.

Spray a wok or a big pot or a skillet or something with some cooking spray and saute the onions, garlic, and ginger until softened. Add the coconut milk, stock, lime spritz, pepper, and cauliflower. Cover and bring to a boil. Take down to a strong simmer and continue to cook until most of the liquid has been absorbed by the cauliflower, 15-20 min. It still might be a little sloppy and that’s cool too. Add the kidney beans and cook a bit. Salt and pepper to taste. Remove from the heat. Remove the pepper. Add the pineapple and stir. Top with green onions before serving.



  1. I found your blog because I had a box of Seitan and didn’t how to make it. I had heard about Seitan and asked my mother to bring some home from the west coast when she was there visiting a couple of weeks ago. It was my first time cooking or eating Seitan. This recipe jumped out at me.

    I didn’t have the habanero or the ingredients to make the Carribean rice (which also sounds amazing and is staying on my -to make list) and I only had one box of Seitan which meant I had to halve the recipe so I almost despaired.

    But then I read your recipe again and saw your sense of humor and how easy and tasty the recipe looked and decided to go for it. Not only was it really easy to make, but your clear directions made it such a pleasure! I get really nervous when I make a new recipe and don’t have everything needed so I need to adjust it but as I went your commentary made it easier for me and I was able to relax and rely on a good recipe to get me through.

    I have to say, I am so happy that I used your recipe! It tasted amazing! My family really enjoyed it (even my mother who can’t eat spicy food but because I had no habanero I used the full amounts of red and black pepper which I usually have to use much less of) It had just the right amount of spice and was so flavorful! It also did not need salt contrary to what my father thought when he saw me making it without salt.

    Not only will I make this again (I am now on the hunt for Seitan on the East coast! I may just make it with tofu instead.) but I sent it to my sister also (her husband loves spicy food). I also hope to try the jerk spice mixture on other proteins.

    Thank you so much for an awesome recipe and a great sense of humor! I have added your blog to my RSS feed and look forward to trying more of your recipes in the future!

    1. I’m so happy to hear this! Thanks for sharing 🙂 I love it that you and your family are experimenting with seitan. It’s a wonder protein for vegetarians and vegans! And thank you for continuing to follow Quiche-a-Week!

  2. […] Based on recipe from (crustless) Quiche-A-Week […]

  3. Hi! I’d love to try this recipe, it looks very yummy! But, being European and not having any clue what your tofu boxes look like – how much is 1 box of tofu?

    1. 12-16 ounces should do!

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