BBQ Seitan and Crispy Potato Lettuce Wraps

222 calories // 23g carbs // 4g fat // 23g protein // 3g fiber // 5g sugar

I’ve had my heart set on making homemade seitan for quite some time now and this seitan ribs recipe from Fat Free Vegan has been haunting hanging out and not being intimidating or threatening my dreams at all. While zoning out on the metro today, I had this awesome idea that I should take that recipe and make a seitan McRib.

So I googled McRib. Because I’ve never had one (because duh?) and I didn’t know what was in one. Would I need lettuce? Tomatoes? Things I can pronounce?

Good. God.

make it go away again!!

People eat those things? People travel far and wide to find and then eat those things? By choice? With their mouths? That’s…terrifying.

I’m not sure what bothers me most. The 70+ ingredients? That’s a little weird, sure. That tripe is one of them? Ok, ok I know dogs who love tripe. The pickles topping it?

The real question is, why WOULDN’T unbaked seitan look like brain?
Fact: Brain is an ingredient in the McRib.

Pickles. Pickles. Pickles? That’s disgusting. No seitan McRib for me. No thank you. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and I’d prefer to tell the McRib its tripe looks fat in that 34-ingredient bun. Pickles.

Here, have this BBQ Seitan and Crispy Potato Lettuce Wrap instead. Crispy potatoes are optional. Leaving the horrible stain of pickles off this little beauty is mandatory.

The Seitan
5 servings

I’ve been trying to come up with a caption for tens of minutes now.
It’s just…too beautiful for words.

You’ll need

  • 1 cup vital wheat gluten
  • 2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
  • 2 teaspoons paprika
  • 2 teaspoons onion powder
  • 1 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 3/4 cup of water
  • 2 tablespoons tahini
  • 1 teaspoon liquid smoke
  • 1 tablespoon low sodium soy sauce
  • 5-6 tablespoons of bbq sauces (Stubb’s Original anyone? Everyone?)

Do this now

Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees. Lightly spray an 8×8 baking dish (I used a 7×7 and there were no ensuing tragedies) with cooking spray.

Combine the wheat gluten, nutritional yeast, paprika, onion powder, and garlic powder in a large bowl. In a another bowl, combine the water, tahini, liquid smoke, and soy sauce. Add the liquids to the dry ingredients and knead lightly in the bowl for a few minutes. (I’m pretty sure I kneaded too aggressively…one might say I kneaded to? Eh? Guys? Puns?)

wet ingredients for the seitan or a horrifying abyss leading to hell?
You decide.

Press the seitan in your prepared baking dish, smoothing it until it’s evenly spread out. With a sharp knife, cut the seitan into 16 even strips. This is harder to do in a 7×7 dish than it is in an 8×8 dish. That’s mostly math talking. But try to do it anyways because you’re not a quitter. Bake for 25 minutes.

After 25 minutes, take your dish out of the oven and reenforce the knife cuts. Spread your BBQ sauce on top of the seitan (use a brush if you’re real fancy like). I only needed 5 tablespoons but I cray. Put the dish back in the oven for 10 minutes.

After 10 minutes, set your oven to broil-HI and, with the oven door slightly open, broil the seitan for a couple of minutes. Take out of the oven, cut along the pieces again, and eat eat eat eat eat.

And if you’re keeping count, the nutritional info for the seitan without sauce per 1/5th serving goes like this: 156 calories // 9g carbs // 4g fat // 22g protein // 1g fiber // 1g sugar. I’m so proud of you for keeping count.

Them Crispy Potatoes
2 servings or 1 big serving

Those little green things on the right? Definitely not failed zucchini fries.
Nope. Mollys never say die. Zucchini fries occasionally do.

 You’ll Need

  • 50 grams worth of a russet potato, spiral cut in your handy-dandy vegetable spiral slicer
  • 1/4 teaspoon paprika
  • 1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon (trust me?)
  • dash of salt and pepper

Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Lightly spray it with cooking spray.

Mix everything in a bowl until the potatoes are full coated. Lay them out on your prepared baking sheet and very lightly spray them with cooking spray. Bake for 20 minutes or until they’re good and crispy, tossing them once or twice during that time.

Put all these things in a lettuce wrap with some sliced red bell peppers or anything else your little heart desires (I SAID NO PICKLES) and roll it up. Eat!


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