Dates in a Blanket & Dessert Dates in a Snuggie – a vegan finger food bonanza


dates in a blanket

You know when you’re cooking with dates and you want to make a pun so bad about relationships and the trials and tribulations of being the crazy one shouldn’t stick their dick in because it just seems like a soul shattering, guffaw inducing pun should be right there, on the tip of your tongue, the tip of your unmolested crazy, but it’s just so barely out of reach that it physically hurts and so in the meantime, while you’re filling a pastry frosting bags (one of the ones you keep in the drawer next to the batteries) with a mixture to pipe into the awaiting cause of your affliction – your dates, you write this very long winding sentence with very few breaths because you recently restarted David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest and you are very impressionable and you think if you just wait it out that pun will rise to the surface like a buoy of knowing winks and wordplay and smirks will be smirked, chortles chortled?

I got nothing.

Fuck. David Foster Wallaaaaaaaaaaace!!!

[fist shaking!]

dates in a blanket

So these are Dates in a Blanket (jump straight to the recipe) and if you want you can read into that as a sexual innuendo but that’d be insulting both your intelligence and mine. And I only want to insult yours.

dates in a blanket

But I am going to make Cherry Poppers next. That’s a given. I mean, at least this exercise was moderately fruitful.

HELLO. The bitch is back!

This recipe is insanely easy, just like Sunday morning and sex with someone straddled by both you and low self esteem (no really folks, I’m back) and also your mom (lost it again). But really, it’s simple. If you’re like me, you have a lot of these ingredients in your fridge or cupboard already (we’re so alike!), but if not they’re pretty easily attainable at a variety of grocery stores. I did my shopping after a liquid dinner and I still managed to gather all the necessities. And bulk aisle bulgar. Not sure what that was all about…

dates in a blanket

The visual likeness to real pigs in a blanket helps trick the mind a bit here and the dates take on almost a meaty texture after being baked. The tofu mixture you squeeze in the dates utilizes common meat-replacement seasonings (nutritional yeast, liquid smoke) but the real kicker here is the tiny bit of Gravy Master brushed on the inside of the crescent pastry before rolling. It really makes it legit.

There’s also a bonus dessert-y variation here at the end so get out your sexiest négliger and whip up an after-party treat, if you know what I mean. (I mean sex.)

Now make a whole plate of them. Taste test them all to make sure they’re not poisonous. Ask your friends to leave because you’re worried they might be poisonous so you licked each and every one of them. Eat the whole plate of them. No shame.

dates in a blanket

DATES IN A BLANKET

makes 32 but probably more depending on how many dates you get and how much you can stretch the filling, I’m going with 32 because that uses one entire can of crescent roll dough

ingredients:

  • 32 dates, pitted (or however many you plan on using)
  • 91g lite silken tofu
  • 1½ tablespoons nutritional yeast
  • 2 tablespoons minced red onion, divided
  • 2 tablespoons minced scallions, divided
  • 1 teaspoon Liquid Smoke
  • ¼ teaspoon garlic powder
  • ¼ teaspoon creole seasoning
  • 1 can of Immaculate Bakery Crescent Rolls, or a similar vegan crescent roll dough
  • Gravy Master Browning and Seasoning Sauce for brushing (you don’t need much!)
  • 1 tablespoon or so of roasted sesame seeds
  • Helpful tools: a chopstick, pastry piping/icing bag, a basting brush (clean fingers can substitute)

 No really though, I licked all of them…

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, set aside. May I suggest propping it on your recycling can because your kitchen is laughably small? I may.

Use a chopstick to clear out the de-pitted center of the dates. You’re just making sure there is ample entry way for your piping bag.

In a food processor, combine the tofu, nutritional yeast, 1 tablespoon of red onions, 1 tablespoon of scallions, the Liquid Smoke, garlic powder, and creole seasoning. Pulse until it’s pretty smooth and well combine. Remove from the food processor and stir in the remaining red onions and scallions.

Transfer this mixture into your pastry piping bag. Squeeze in enough filling in each date til just a touch overfilled.

Pull out your crescent roll dough. You’re going to cut each crescent roll triangle in quarters to make 4 mini triangles. Don’t worry if your new abbreviated triangles are totally misshapen – dates are small and as long as they’re wrapped, they’ll taste good and look pretty enough (that’s what she would never say?). Brush a very slight amount of Gravy Master on the crescent pastry. Plop a filled date on one end and roll it up in the crescent roll. Do a whole bunch more times. Sprinkle sesame seeds on top.

Bake for 12 minutes. Remove. Eat while piping hot with some ketchup or mustard or sriracha or unbridled enthusiasm.

dessert dates in a snuggie

DESSERT DATES IN A SNUGGIE

makes 32 – see note about dates in a blanket servings

ingredients:

  • 32 dates, pitted (or however many you plan on using)
  • 4 ounces GoVeggie Cream Cheese Alternative (or reduced fat real cream cheese if you’re not vegan)
  • ½ tablespoons agave
  • 1 packet of Truvia
  • ¼ teaspoon cinnamon
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 1 can of Immaculate Bakery Crescent Rolls, or a similar vegan crescent roll dough
  • a touch of cinnamon sugar or ground cinnamon mixed with a tiny bit of sugar for sprinkling
  • a little more agave for dazzling
  • Helpful tools: a chopstick, pastry piping/icing bag

 That’s your sexiest nighty? Thank god it’s dark in here…let’s make it darker…

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, set aside. [Hilarious joke from earlier.]

Use a chopstick to clear out the de-pitted center of the dates. You’re just making sure there is ample entry way for your piping bag.

In a food processor, pulse the almonds until they are coarsely chopped but not ground or meal-like. Add in the “cream cheese” or quote-less cream cheese, agave, cinnamon, salt and process til fully combined.

Transfer this mixture into your pastry piping bag. Squeeze in enough filling to make each date just a touch overfilled. (If your almond pieces are a touch too big, this is going to be a bitch.)

Pull out your crescent roll dough. You’re going to cut each crescent roll triangle in quarters. Don’t worry if your new abbreviated triangles are totally misshapen – dates are small and as long as they’re wrapped, they’ll taste good and look pretty enough (yeah, that’s definitely not what she said, ever). Plop a filled date on one end and roll it up in the crescent roll. Do a whole bunch more times. Dust lightly with cinnamon sugar.

Bake for 12 minutes. Remove.  Eat hot or cooled. If you have remaining filling but you’re all out of dates (you’ll find true love one day, but probably not), fill a little accompanying bowl with the leftovers and use it as a dipping sauce. If you can’t get enough agave in your life, drizzle a little on top and look into finding more meaning in your life.

Nom.

NUTRITION

Dates in a Blanket NutritionDessert Dates Nutrition

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2 comments

  1. These sound very tasty. I’ll take a dozen, please. To go. Along with my blueberry mojito — to go.

  2. […] of the cream cheese and wrappers. I promise dairy-free cream cheese and vegan puff pastry from the Dates in a Blanket era will taste equally […]

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