Is this a safe place? Can we indulge in some Real Talk™? Is that a trademark symbol? Trademarked things promote honesty, or so I’m making up right this second. So I’m going to be real. Excuse me. Real™.
I have a 2 Luna Bar a day problem.
This is becoming a problem for a variety of reasons. But also just one reason. Luna Bars are expensive. Especially when you eat 2 a day. Every day. Except for those days when you eat 3. We don’t talk about those days.
It’s not really that the Luna Bars themselves are that expensive, actually. They’re typically $1 each. It’s the lifestyle that buying so many all the time promotes. To keep up with my habit, I stop at either Whole Foods or the Organic Grocery Store that’s open until 1am by my apartment (BROOKLYN. AMIRIGHT?) every other day. And when I stop at either Whole Foods or the Organic Grocery Store that’s open until 1am by my apartment, I buy no less than 1 million other things that I probably don’t need. Except for that peanut butter with the bananas and raisins in it that cost $10. I needed that. Wait…
Yep. That’s what did it. I bought a $10 jar of peanut butter solely because the opportunity presented itself while I was shopping for more Luna Bars. I caught myself eyeing a different $18 jar of PB yesterday before I snapped out of it. (Is the real problem here the peanut butter industry?!? The fuck guys? $18??) It’s like I go temporarily insane. Every other day. Why do I have two boxes of Vital Wheat Gluten? Two different types of Coconut Butter? 4 lbs of Ground Flaxseed? Why?!? Luuuunnnnaaaaaa baaaaaaars!
HOMEMADE LUNA BARS
to satisfy your jonesin, this makes:
four 45g bars
six 30g bars
eighteen 10g balls
- 1 ½ cups brown rice crispies*
- 1 serving protein powder of your choice (Isopure Zero Carb Vanilla, DUHZ, but of course use whey-less powder for a vegan bar)
- 2 tablespoons powdered peanut butter
- 2 tablespoons brown rice sugar
- 1 tablespoon coconut butter
- 2 pitted dates, microwaved for about 30-45 secs with 2 tablespoons water
- 15g extra dark chocolate chips (double this if you’re making the balls)
- a splash of almond milk
- 4 tablespoons powdered peanut butter + 2 tablespoons water
- shredded coconut
- shredded anything
- ground nuts or whatever
*no matter how desperately I’m down and out, I will never, ever buy bottom-shelf-bagged-cereal. I wanted to. I couldn’t. Damn this foolish boxed-cereal pride!
What if I just take a taste of a Luna Bar? What about 12 of them? Just to see how it feels?
Put the brown rice crispies in a medium bowl. Set aside.
Combine the powders first in a food processor and process a bit to mix it all about. Now add everything else… Warning: this gets incredible sticky. Your food processor, much like mine, may rumble. Everything’s gonna be aiiight though. I swear. Scoop this mixture into the bowl of crispies and mix it all about. If you can’t handle the stickiness (I couldn’t), grab some wax paper and use it as a barrier between you and the sticky glob of yum as you mash it all together.
On a clean bit of wax paper, weigh out the portions you want to use (4 or 6 bars or 18 balls). Using a sheet of wax paper, shape the portions into either bars or balls. Do not do this with bare hands. If you use bare hands when you should be using wax paper, you’re gonna have a bad time. Wrap up the shapes in their individual wax paper sheet and set in the freezer for like 20 minutes.
In a small bowl, microwave the chocolate chips with a splash of almond milk in 15 second intervals until it’s all smooth. Spread the chocolate on the bars or dip the balls halfway. Sprinkle with coconut or chia seeds or whatever the hell you want if you want. Or spread the powdered-made-liquided peanut butter on the bars. Then you could even top that with chocolate. I DON’T KNOW. BE AN ADULT.