Kale Nachos

per gigantic vegan plate (shown): 381 calories // 40g carbs // 14g fat // 21g protein // 12g fiber
per gigantic lacto-vegetarian plate: 379 calories // 32g carbs // 14g fat // 29g protein // 9g fiber

How come things only start making you fat when you learn just how bad they are for you?

Case in point:

Nachos.

Not the devil.

Remember when you were any age other than the one you are right now and you used to eat nachos like it was your job? You were a professional nacho eater and you took your profession with the utmost seriousness and dedication to all things gooey, spicy, crunchy and smothered? You were a visionary in your field.

You also were not fat. How? Easy.

Stuff doesn’t make you fat until you realize stuff will make you fat. That’s just science talking, folks. Pure made up science. Like dinosaurs and evolution.

Stick a fork in me,
I’m a nacho explosion. And I’m done.

But I bet you remember the day your curiosity got the best of you and you said “Hey, do you think nachos will slowly kill me if I continue to eat them? Let’s take a look at the numbers! I’ve been meaning to cry myself to sleep more often!”

So. Let’s do that. Let’s take a look at the numbers. Then we’ll make it better. I swear. I hope. I often swear.

SPOILER ALERT: Reading nacho nutrition facts will no longer make you immune to nacho’s wrongdoings.

Terrifying real diner taken photos.
This is actually what these dishes look like. In real life.

TGIFriday’s Loaded Skillet Nachos
(the only meat is bacon crumbles)
1520 calories // 112g carbs // 100g fat // 53g protein // 8g fiber // 4100mg sodium

TGIFriday’s Tostado Nachos
(with ground beef)
1410 calories // 57g carbs // 97g fat // 75g protein // 11g fiber // 2520mg sodium

Applebee’s Chili Cheese Nachos
1620 calories // 131g carbs // 102g fat // 47g protein // 17g fiber // 3920mg sodium

Chili’s Classic Nachos – Regular Size
830 calories // 39g carbs // 59g fat // 38g protein // 6g fiber // 1630mg sodium

You know what’s scary? When Chili’s makes something look reasonable.

So should we lighten the load a bit? The load being your rear end? Your rear end being your tuchus? Being big?

Oh hey! Something green!
An odd no-show from those other nachos!

Molly’s Kale Nachos (Vegetarian)
379 calories // 32g carbs // 14g fat // 29g protein // 9g fiber // 1178mg sodium

Molly’s Kale Nachos (Vegan)
381 calories // 40g carbs // 14g fat // 21g protein // 12g fiber // 1340mg sodium

Real life diner taken photos of kale nachos.
Not at all terrifying.

These nachos are still a treat if you want to devour the whole plate but your carbs are going to come from your veggies, not your chips. Why is this so great? Because fiber is why. (Speaking of which, according to google images, Chili’s 39g carb nachos only uses about 12 chips which makes the calorie total and fat grams almost more startling.) The kale chips do more than an admirable job of holding up under the toppings. They remain a good vehicle for all the add ons even after microwaving. But you can always pick up a fork and make this into a mean, mean taco salad.

I ain’t gonna make you fat, baby.
Even though it’s what’s inside that matters or something.

If you make this dish vegetarian rather than vegan, you can sneak a lot more protein in there with real cheese and real sour cream. But I made the vegan option because I seem to be on some sort of vegan kick which I assume will only pass once I kick a vegan. You gotta turn the tables on that shit, you know?

Now let’s make some not-going-to-kill-you-slowly nachos.

I am going to smother you.
WITH LOVE. (And toppings. [OF LOVE.])

Kale Nachos
Serves one obscenely hungry person or two normal human beings. Not like I’m judging.

Ingredients:

Chips:

• 100g or so of kale
• cooking spray
• 2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
• salt and pepper

Nachos:
(follow my measurements to get my nutritional info but feel free to put what you want on it)

• 1/3 cup mexican style veggie protein crumbles
• 1/2 cup tomatoes, diced
• 1/2 cup red onion, diced
• 1/3 cup pepper jack cheese shreds – real or Daiya Vegan Shredded Cheese
• 2 tablespoons sour cream – real or Follow Your Heart Vegan Sour Cream (that is some damn fine vegan sour cream, fyi)
• 3-4 tablespoons salsa
• some banana peppers and jalapenos

Cheeps cheeeps cheeeeeps:

Preheat your oven to 300 degrees.

Remove your kale leaves from their ribs and rip into large chip sized shreds.They’ll shrink considerably so keep them on the bigger side. Toss with some sprays of cooking spray, the nutritional yeast, and salt and pepper. Lay the pieces in one layer on a baking sheet or two. Bake for 15 minutes. Salt and pepper lightly again.

Assemble your nachos by, you know, topping the kale chips with stuff. Pop it in the microwave for a couple of minutes. We’ve all made nachos before, right? Right.

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Tags: appetizer, brooklyn, cheese, daiya, diet, dinner, easy, food, gluten-free, health food, healthy, kale, low calorie, lunch, mexican food, nachos, nutrition, protein, seitan, skinny, snack, spicy, vegan, vegetables, vegetarian